If you have friends, then chances are you've been in a couple more fights with your GFs then you'd care for. But how do you know if the friendship isn't worth the trouble? Weigh in on some of these toxic friend types to decide whether you should salvage the friendship or dump it.
The Competitor:
While some competition can be healthy in a friendship and serve as motivation to be a better person, a friend who is always competing is not healthy. This friend is often not truly happy for your accomplishments and probably cringes when she has to say "Congrats!" She is always trying to find a way to out-do and one-up you. She wants to be the first and the best in everything. She wants to have the better boyfriend, the better car, the better clothes, the better looks, the better reputation, the better lifestyle. She wants to get the boy first, graduate first, and get that shiny diamond on her ring finger first. She cares more about impressing others than being herself. And worse, she cares more about bettering you than being your friend.
How to Deal:
Try your best to avoid competitive situations, which trigger her one-upper behavior. If you achieve some success at work, school, or in a relationship, sharing this triumph may come off as "bragging" to her... even though that's not what you intend. Since sharing these success stories contributes to her desire to outdo you, simply cut back on the story-sharing. The only way for your friend to really snap out of this behavior is for her to be truly comfortable with who she is, what she does, and what she accomplishes. Competitiveness is part of her nature. So if you value the friendship, you may just have to be able to listen to her bragging and put up with her one-upping. If you don't think you can handle that, the friendship may not be worth your happiness.
The Center-of-the-Universe:
This friend is self-absorbed, extremely needy, and melodramatic. Her problems are always the "end of the world!" and she uses you as her sounding board for every trivial schism in her life. But when you go to her with your own problems, you don't get the same treatment. She doesn't have a lot of time to listen to you and feels that your problems just aren't very important in comparison to hers. When she does listen to you, is listens only because she is waiting to speak. This type of friend can exhaust you emotionally and deplete your self-esteem. Beyond that, she sucks time and energy. You two can hardly have lighthearted fun together because she always has some catastrophe going on in her life---even though her problems themselves are usually petty.
How to Deal:
If you want to save this relationship, you may want to bring up the problem in a non-offensive way. Casually mention that the give-and-take in your friendship is unbalanced---that she talks more about her life and her problems than you do. Also, changing how you hang out with her can be a solution. Cut back on going out to dinner, going on long car rides, and other activities that promote long conversations; she seizes these conversations and controls them with self-absorbed chatter, whining, and ranting. Instead, opt for more active situations. Playing a round of tennis or working out requires more physical activity and concentration rather than leaving room for those indulgent convos. Going to the movies will require her to be silent about her issues for at least the duration of the movie---while watching a movie at one of your houses may end up with her talking through the whole film or pausing it half way. Taking a class together (pottery, scrapbooking, dance lessons) will also take the focus off of her and put it toward having a good time together.
The Big Mouth:
You know those intimate conversations where you mention, "This is just between us..." Well, this friend doesn't abide by that. She can't help herself and ends up passing along your secrets to others, be it her mother, her boyfriend, or other (even mutual) friends. She can't resist gossip and can't handle keeping a secret to herself.
How to Deal:
If you want to confront her, bring up a specific situation in which you told her to keep something just between you two and she ended up disclosing it. If she apologizes, that's good. If she says that she was unaware that the information was such a big secret, you may need to rethink the way you tell her so. And next time make it very clear so that she understands you don't anyone else knowing. If she denies it or pretends she doesn't know what you're talking about, she may be incapable of changing this secret-telling pattern that has become part of her behavior. Be careful with what you tell her depending on how much you trust her. Protect yourself and what you say by being very selective with exactly what you divulge to her. Think twice about intimate conversations if you can't trust her confidentiality.
This is the first of a three-part series on toxic friends... so there will be more to come!
Amore.
